I’m exhausted of people who cut into the most tender parts of who I am.
I am tired of the pointed words, the accusations, the constant demand to fit into a box of unrealistic expectations.
I’m so tired from tiptoeing into a field of time bombs only to realize no matter which step I take, the heat and shrapnel is going to hit my body anyways.
I’m sick of the constant defense of my character, repeating words that never hit home or get through.
I keep hearing twisted stories that slice at who I’ve always been and I am no longer equipped to fight back.
Fighting back is exactly what they expect.
People who mean to bring you down, people who have deep rooted personal issues, people who are okay with attacking another human being- they want you to fight them back so they can claim a title.
So they can ruin you.
And I’ve realized the fight I’ve been chasing in circles is utterly useless. You can’t argue with someone who wants to destroy you. You can’t possibly be seen as good by someone who so badly wants you to be a bad person.
So this fight I’ve been fighting? I’m throwing in the towel.
That’s not where my effort should be going.
The fight I need is to let go and argue those voices in my head that were placed by others evil.
I need to push away from the black hole that is trying to defend my goodness and continue to just be good.
Because defending who I am just angers me to saying things I wouldn’t and further ignites a fire that soon grows too violent to be tamed.
So I’m fighting for myself to stay true to who I aspire to be and working like hell to be okay with the fact that not everyone wants to like you.
As matter of fact, some people hate themselves so much that they try to convince you to hate yourself too.
And I won’t fall into that trap.
I’m going to breathe deep and fall asleep in the arms of someone who loves me, hug the ones who’ve let me cry in their laps and listen to my mom when she tells me I don’t need cruelty in my life.
I’m going to just move forward into a place surrounded by people who make me believe time bombs aren’t present and words aren’t weapons.
I’m exhausted from the pain and the fight.
So Instead of licking my wounds to only have them ripped open, I’m cleaning out all of the people who hold those weapons.
No more knives held at my throat or guns waiting to be shot. I will not fear someone waiting for me to make a move they can excuse as worthy of bullying behavior.
No more bullies.
I’m worth more than being made to feel like nothing and the simplest solution is to surround myself with those who love me into knowing my own worth and removing those who don’t.
I am secure, I am brave and most importantly, I am good.
And I’m done letting people make me feel like I’m not.
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